In one of my classes, we had to write a genre parody. I chose to parody the listicle genre, and am sharing it here for your reading pleasure 🙂
Disclaimer: All photos and memes are the property of their owners (and quite fantastic).
“Five Things You Should Do If You Have a Boat and a Storm Is Coming”
Most ships, at some point or another, encounter a storm of some kind. Some storms, like hurricanes, can be dangerous and sometimes the ships do not make it through them, like the tallship Bounty or the cargo ship El Faro. Luckily, humans have years of sailing experience that, while they cannot entirely guarantee your safety, can go a long way to helping keep you and the rest of the crew safer. From the smaller squall to the hurricane, here are five things to consider if you’re sailing and suspect a storm:
#1 Can a Football Be Used as a Flotation Device?
Not all harbors are created equal. Some harbors will just funnel the storm in and bang all the ships inside it together. The main advantage here is that the crew is not on board. A former sea captain told “Popular Mechanics” that you really want to find a port that has natural protection from the storm’s wind, thus preventing additional damage to the vessel.
#2 Can boats catch on fire?
If there’s not enough weight to your vessel, it is more inclined to roll about. Additional weight, or ballast, provides a bit more balance. Also, all cargo should be firmly latched or tied down (sea-stowed) to prevent sliding of everything. Have you ever been hit by a sliding bench? It hurts.
#3 Is it possible for large marine life to swallow my ship whole?
While it is always possible to be in a storm at sea, and all ships from the historic style tallships to the modern cargo ships are made to weather some storms, larger storms like hurricanes are not to be trifled with. Although it can seem like a safer bet to be on the open sea than in a port, the recent sinking of the tallship Bounty proves that the safety window is smaller than one thinks. Especially in heavier, more intense storms.
#4 Will my data plan cover me if I’m at sea?
If you are on deck and there’s rough weather, don’t take any chances. Wear your climbing harness and make sure you are attached to the boat. This way, you have a less likely chance of falling overboard. Also, if you’re about to go on deck, make sure to announce it so that your crewmates know, and let them know when you’re returning below (and always proceed with caution).
#5 My boat is leaking, should I stop cooking dinner and see what’s up?
Your captain and first mate are Coast Guard certified and they and the rest of the officers have probably done this before, at least in some level of storm. In an expected storm, they have considered all the possibilities before setting sail or making the calls they have made, and in unexpected storms, they still consider all possibilities. You may be scared, but panic only spreads and mutiny can still be punished by death if you’re far enough out at sea, as a former captain of mine liked to tell us before a transit. No matter what the storm, everyone on board has a job to do. Stay calm, and do it.
Every ship will go through a storm at least once, and there are measures that we can take to make our time at sea that much safer. Just remember, always announce when you’re on deck, and try not to fall on top of your friends.